the bridge to my mom…

Every aspect of my mom’s memorial service on Saturday was beautiful. God gave me incredible peace and strength to write and deliver her eulogy, my part of honoring my mom and serving my dad and family. It happened exactly as it did in the dream I awoke from on December 4th. God gave me a message to deliver, and I’m still floored that I was able to stand in front of everyone and talk about my mom. God’s grace is just flat-out amazing. He covered me while I spoke.

But now that the business of her dying is over and I’m left with the quiet awareness, I long for a shortcut through this grief. The waves of sadness hit me out of nowhere. And then as quickly and unsuspectingly as it comes, it leaves and then I go numb again. No one can save me from it, or make me feel better. I feel everyone’s wish to find the right words to help ease my pain, but there are no words of comfort when you lose your mom. I feel compelled to save them from their impotence.

I’ve found the blessings that happened with my mom and my family during the last 3 ½ months of her life, which are innumerable and miraculous, have almost nothing to do with the devastation of her death. They’re completely separate. Yes, knowing she’s heaven helps me feel better for her, but it does nothing for my pain. Yes, God was merciful; she died peacefully and with all the love she could have imagined. But we’re still left without her, and the effects of her not being here are vast and sometimes hidden in the most innocuous places. I knew that going through her clothes and smelling her scent in her closet was going to be hard. I was somewhat prepared for that. But I had no idea how much I’d cry over seeing her sewing machine and crochet needles. I forgot that she was going to teach me how to crochet. Just another thing we’ll never do together. We found her Jesus and angel pins on the red sweater she wore for Christmas. She wore them every Christmas. That was a very bitter-sweet moment for my family.

In my mind, my mom died 100 deaths since her brain cancer diagnosis on October 1st. We knew the stats on her cancer. We knew she had no chance of survival. But we also knew that God could have done a miracle and so we held out hope, even if it was just a little bit. But witnessing the removal of her IV fluids while she was still staring into my eyes, knowing she was going to die and wondering if she knew what was happening as dozens of people were crying at her bedside, and then seeing her lifeless body after she was gone were all things I could never have prepared for. Imagination goes only so far; it pales in comparison to the real thing.

I’ve never known such impossible reality. And I’m fearfully aware that I still don’t know it.

There’s only one person who can offer anything of hope and peace to me. And that’s Jesus. When I pray or listen to my mom’s favorite worship music, I feel a strange closeness to my mom. I realize he’s the connection between my mom and me. She’s with him. And he’s with me. So because of him, I’m connected to my mom. He’s the bridge.

So when I miss her most and wish I could talk to her one more time, I ask Jesus to give her a message for me. Mostly, I just tell her how much I love her.

Jesus and angel pins

This entry was posted in blog, brain cancer, christianity, Glioblastoma Multiforme, grace, grief work, healing, hope, love, mother daughter relationships, recovery, trauma. Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to the bridge to my mom…

  1. Denise Hisey says:

    Words fail me, Lori… I just want to send my love……

  2. You do need to just feel and remember and grieve in your own way and time…Diane

  3. utesmile says:

    Big hug for you Lori, my dad is joining very soon, a matter of days we think, Reading your posts give me what I need to go through this! Thank you so much for helping me with your words!

  4. Sending my love to you and your family. Grief is a long and hard process, so keep your friends and family close around you, and you’ll all get through this together. So glad that the memorial service went so beautifully. Hugs xxxx

  5. I can relate to every beautiful word you have written. I wrote this post about the loss of my Dad, I hope you read it and see that someone else understands.
    I hope it blesses you during this time.

    • I read your post and I think it’s one of the most inspiring and comforting pieces about losing a parent (or anyone for that matter). What wisdom and inspiration! Thank you for sharing it with me. It means a lot to me right now.

  6. Lori, when my Dad passed, I felt the same as you. Hugs to you xo Time heals slowly.

  7. Clark Kent says:

    I remember when I was next to my mother when she passed. She stayed with us for two whole days without life support.. It was as though her soul wouldn’t leave until the connection of her three children where holding hands and standing next to our father. I told her to let go. I felt her leave… I remember feeling her energy consume my entire being. It didn’t stop the tears and it didn’t stop the feeling of knowing that I just lost the woman who during my time here was the unconditional love I would never feel again. She comes to me in my dreams. It was as though I didn’t lose her but found her to always be with me in a place that one day I will no longer have to dream but I will be able to stay with her. I hear her more now that I did then. My friend.. I can’t say the words that will help you to heal, but I can tell you that each tear for her, calls to her to wipe them away. You will feel her wings around you and know that she is there. One of the most profound things that I dreamed with her she since then, told me that she is here to see the man I have become and can feel my love stronger than she could when she was alive. I can’t explain to you the release this has given me, or the love inside of strength it gives to me. Yet just to feel it at this moment brings very strong tears of love that I know is her to make sure I sent this to you to know she is everything you do and say. You don’t have to think about her to feel her. You will feel her when you free yourself to continue to love her deeper than you ever had when she was here. I am sorry for the length of this. I just want you to know that she is your heart and she will never stop being that even after your own heart stops. You will be together again, Just.Believe!

    • Oh, I’m crying. That’s so beautiful. I do feel my mom…more than ever.

      I’m so glad you have such a peaceful and loving perspective. I really appreciate all your comments. You’ve helped ease my pain by sharing yours.

      It’s comforting to know you’ve been where I am, and you have such peace.

      Thank you…

      • Clark Kent says:

        You inspired a blog my friend.. and I linked it back to you. Thank you for allowing me to feel her greatly today! Hope I was able to do the same! CK

  8. Hugs and special blessings of comfort that come from the arms of Jesus. ❤

  9. Gospel Restoration says:

    Praying that Jesus will give you all of the courage & peace you need. ❤

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