Today’s the day, Mom.

My stomach is in a nervous storm as I sit on my parent’s porch reflecting on the past 3 ½ months with my mom. I’ve written her eulogy and will be delivering it at her memorial service today. It’s been 10 days since she died and her vacancy has become more pronounced. Her life and presence has been replaced with her death and absence, and it’s become the elephant in the room everywhere we go. It was with us at one of our family’s favorite restaurant last night. It was with us on the walk to Pinkberry, one of her all-time joyous walks with her grandchildren. This unwelcomed elephant has become part of our family, and we don’t like it.

mom's flower_email
I can no longer trick myself into thinking my mom’s out shopping or watching a football game. Too many family gatherings have happened without her for such trickery. The truth is she’s gone and the bubble wrap that’s buffered our reality is slowing being replaced with a cold permanence. It’s an awful, sick, desperate feeling that demands to be dealt with. The loss of appetite, increased concern for my dad, sadness that my brother and his family will be leaving soon, and the knowledge that life must go on without my mom is all converging at once. It feels too soon and too big to handle all of it, and yet I need to face it.

 
I keep picturing my mom during her last days in the hospital. When I’m alone and thinking about her I can almost feel her hand in mine and picture the sweet, vulnerable look in her eyes as we worshipped the Lord to her favorite praise music. She couldn’t speak but I could tell in her eyes we were in another spiritual realm together. I’ve never completely emptied myself into another person like that. I’ve never felt such oneness. As hard as it is to accept that this entire brain cancer thing happened, I will hold on to the experience with my mom with everything I have.

mom's flower4 email
As with every hard stage of life, I’ve written to keep sane. It calms me and keeps me grounded even when I feel like I’m going to lose it.
Today officially marks the ending of our family’s Golden Era. But for now, I’ll trust the Lord to give me the words to honor my mom…

I’ve included some of the photos I took of her bouquet and I’ll end with the poem I wrote for her. My mom always loved my flower photographs and poems. Who knew one day I’d use them for her funeral.

mom's flowers7_email

While my heart was at peace

And my spirit felt no fear,

I heard every word you spoke

And felt the pain in your tears

 

Your healing prayers were answered

I’ve been washed and made new,

I stand with Jesus in perfect love

And watch my legacy live on through you

 

Though our time seemed cut short

Thirty more years wouldn’t seem enough,

In the midst of it all I was blessed to know

How very much I’m loved

 

Don’t be angry with God

Or think your prayers didn’t work,

God’s ways are not our ways

Let Him bring good from your hurt

 

If Jesus had asked me

If I’d suffer for one lost soul,

I would have volunteered for all of this

So one more could be made whole

 

As you sang at my bedside

There was something you could not see,

A choir of angels was joining in praise

As they lovingly ministered to me

 

You know how I longed for Jesus

To finally be with Him,

Know that every word you spoke and smile you shared

Played a part of ushering me in

 

 

In the midst of your suffering

I ask what you will do,

With the love and truth

I shared so boldly with you

 

Look around you

There’s so much more to do,

Others need the love of Jesus

They long for what I knew

 

Allow the sadness to strengthen your heart

Become a vessel for God’s love to flow,

Someday you’ll see what I see

And know the beauty I know

 

Learn what I learned

And tell the stories I told,

I’ve passed the torch to you

Please don’t let it grow cold

So, water the seeds I planted

And plant some of your own,

Remain faithful to God every day

Until, like me, He brings you home.

 

You must dust off

And continue the fight,

Until the day He comes back

And makes all things right

 

I’ve completed my work

I’m finally home where I belong,

To my family and dear loved ones

I joyfully say, “Finish strong!”

I love you, Mom….

About these ads

About Lori Lara

I'm 7 years into recovery from PTSD, major depression, and addiction. Even though I've experienced miraculous spiritual healing in my life, I sometimes have to fight my way through new layers of grief and unanswered questions that continue to challenge me. I've come to realize recovery as a life-long journey, and I believe it's worth every frustrated scream and painful tear we endure to find the deeper purposes of life and meaningful relationship with God. It's time well spent to dig for the truth, freedom, and love we were created to enjoy. Love is the only answer to heal our spiritual wounds. Nothing breaks my heart more than hearing stories of people who struggle silently and think they're alone; the truth is we are never alone. My goal is to remain committed to my own recovery while taking with me as many people as I can. I'm inspired by people who share similar stories of recovery and their never-ending and perseverant quest for freedom and healing. I'd love to hear your story and share this journey together... www.lorilara.com
This entry was posted in blog, brain cancer, Glioblastoma Multiforme, grace, grief work, healing, hope, love, mother daughter relationships, spiritual healing. Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Today’s the day, Mom.

  1. Brain cancer. The topic is on the rips into my soul every time my eyes stumble upon it. There are no words that can offer sympathies or condolences. I know they feel empty, sometimes was to scream “my loss?!? It’s not like I can’t find my keys”

    Instead I’ll offer a reminder of hope, the blessings and headings of our Heavenly Father now that she is with him.

    And maybe, just maybe she is also here with you, dancing around you with joy, occasionally holding your hand.

    There are no words for you or your family, only love and prayers.

  2. That’s beautiful, Lori!

  3. Simply beautiful. May you find peace today.

  4. Lori – you are truly amazing

  5. There is so much beauty, truth and faith in this poem….May you find peace during these days..Diane

  6. amerslou says:

    Powerful and beautiful poem. Blessings and peace to you today.

  7. Beautiful poem and photos. Thinking of you, and hope the memorial was as peaceful and beautiful as your mum deserved. Hugs xxx

  8. It is hard to type this through tears, but I just want to say that your poem is such a beautiful testimony of a godly woman. I don’t think you could have written one that she would have loved more than this.

    Blessings and much peace to you Lori ~ Wendy

  9. Bourbon says:

    Wow that poem is so beautiful xx

  10. what a beautiful comforting poem… hugs <3

  11. Denise Hisey says:

    Oh Lori….such an amazing and beautiful poem…thank you for sharing. It’s a treasure…

  12. Tears well in my eyes as I read your stunning poem and remember my Dad’s touch which I miss so much. May God’s healing love reach down and bring you comfort through this distressing time. Blessings to you!

  13. You are a blessing…and words fail me in telling you how beautifully powerful your poem is. Thank you for sharing. xo

  14. Lori, I didn’t know! I am soooo sorry!!! You have been on my mind for days, literally days! This is beautiful. Your mother I know is soooo proud!! I believe she knows. God bless you, precious heart! You are still being lifted up in my prayers!! Juliana

  15. I recently lost my mother-in-law to cancer. She was like a mother to me. I was by her side when she left this world. I understand what you mean about being one. I held her hand and stroked her head as she passed… a true blessing.
    It was comforting to read this blog and know I’m not alone. It touched me in so many ways. Thank you for sharing. My thoughts and prayers are with you through this very difficult time. xo

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